A Cupcake Tour of Hell

hellcakeLast Friday, my dear friend Summer and I attempted to go on a “Walking Cupcake Tour of Hollywood” from Great Good Tours. I say “attempted” because we never actually made it on the tour thanks to LA traffic, the incompetence of Apple Maps and the indifference of the tour guide. It was such a frustrating adventure that it would have been a crime NOT to share it with the whole world.

Our story begins a couple of weeks ago when I found a Groupon for a Walking Cupcake Tour of Hollywood. The tour promised cupcake tastings from six of the finest bakeries on 3rd St in West Hollywood. Summer and I both love cupcakes and thought this would be a wonderful way to spend a day together.

Flash forward to Friday. The tour was to take place at noon and we gave ourselves an hour and a half to get down to West Hollywood. Apple Maps said it would take about an hour, so we figured we would make it with time to spare. Alas, LA freeways are a fickle mistress, and as soon as we got onto the 10 freeway, traffic was completely stopped with three lanes blocked due to an accident. It ended up being quicker to just drive along side the freeway and get back on after the accident. While I was navigating the urban sprawl and cursing at bumper-sticker covered Priuses (Priusi?) Summer called the tour company to let them know we would be late. and spoke to the tour guide who told her that she would call us when the tour left the first location if we had not arrived yet. It was still only 11:40 so I was not too worried. How long could it possibly take to drive 4 miles?

We probably would have arrived at the destination quicker if we were running on a treadmill. It took us over twenty minutes to finally find Georgetown Cupcakes and park. The tour guide called as we were getting out of the car. She said they were leaving Georgetown Cupcakes but would text us the address of the next location. Her exact words, “Turn left out of Georgetown cupcake. Three locations down.” For reference, three locations to the left of Georgetown cupcakes is a parking garage.

Up until this point the whole situation was completely out of anyone’s hands. We could not control the traffic and the tour guide had a job to do. But let me just say, if she had waited two minutes before moving onto the next location, we would have made the tour. We were parked one street over and it took us no time at all to reach Georgetown cupcakes.

But she did not wait. Instead she sent us those cryptic directions and an address but not the name of the location. We put the address in google maps and started walking. After walking for 10 minutes, we reached the destination, but there was no cupcake store just an apartment building. Unless these cupcakes were so homemade that they were literally made in someone’s home, we had the wrong location. It was the correct address, but the map placed it no where near the correct location. Apple Maps straight up LIED to us like the manipulative little rat it is. We had walked four blocks in the wrong direction.

So we walked back to our starting position and then another four blocks when we arrived at Tartine O Chocolat. I was hot, extremely sweaty, and exhausted. All I wanted was a damn cupcake. Waiting for someone to help us, I realized that this bakery did not have any cupcakes. Not a single one. When we asked about the cupcake tour, the woman informed us we had just missed them, and offered us a macaron from their selection. I chose the lemon raspberry and it was delicious.

But let me make this very clear. A macaron is not a cupcake. Obviously. A lot of people don’t even like macarons because they’re too French and trendy. It wasn’t until a month ago that I changed my opinion of these delicious little cookie sandwiches so if I had attended this tour more than a month ago, I would have been extremely disappointed. Shame on you cupcake tour for false advertising. I hope your guilt slowly eats away at you.

So we left that bakery with no idea where we were going. We had been trying to contact the tour guide since discovering we were in the wrong location, but she was not answering her phone. At this point, we were over the whole tour. Summer called the company and explained the situation to the owner.

“We have been walking for an hour with no idea where to go. This is ridiculous.”

“So you’re telling me that you were an hour late to the tour?”

This went on for a while, but Summer is persistent and I’m pretty sure we will be getting our money back.

We saw Magnolia Bakery as we kept walking. I was pretty sure this was supposed to be the next destination so I asked the woman at the counter if the cupcake tour had come in.

“No, they haven’t stopped by yet.”

I had tried everything I could to make this cupcake tour, but the cards were stacked against us. We were just not meant to partake in this experience.

But the day wasn’t a complete disaster. We did go back to Georgetown Cupcakes and eat some delicious cupcakes which made the four I spent driving that day worth it.

So what is the moral of this entirely-too-long story? Mixing exercise with dessert is unnatural and the universe will do all it can to keep the two from converging. From now on, I will eat my cupcakes sitting down in an air conditioned room and I will exercise…..never.

xoxo Sarah


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