My perfect Disneyland day begins at 11:00 AM when I awake from my beauty sleep, well rested and prepared for the day. I put on my favorite Disney shirt, a long-sleeved grey shirt with a bedazzled Mickey silhouette. The weather is a balmy seventy-three degrees, sunny with cookie cutter clouds. The perfect day.
Summer and I stop at our favorite off-site dining establishment close to the park. We bask in the glow of the Golden Arches as we dine on an exquisite meal of Chicken McNuggets complete with Sweet and Sour sauce.
We park on the top floor of the parking structure, my favorite because it is the only level that you could survive on in the case of an entire structure collapse. As we ride down the escalator, I chug my large iced tea from McDonalds. The tram immediately pulls up as we arrive allowing us to hop right on.
We pass through bag check and they don’t confiscate my mace.
We stop at Disneyland first. I immediately head for the bathrooms near town hall to expel the 32 oz of iced tea I have just drunk. The bathroom smells like cherries and not at all like a bathroom, a major selling point for Disneyland.
Summer and I skip hand in hand down Main Street. A photographer stops to take our photo because we are just too darn cute. Also because we asked him to.
We rush to Space Mountain. The line is a mere 20 minutes! I have actually remembered to take my motion sickness pills so I do not exit the ride needing to vomit. We check out our ride photo. I have a pleasant, excited smile and don’t at all look like I just pooped my pants.
Next, we skedaddle towards Fantasyland. We pass It’s A Small World and scoff at all the people waiting in line. Then we discuss how we haven’t ridden that ride in a long time and wonder if it’s changed. After much debating, we decide to hop on. Nothing has changed.
We saunter through Fantasyland, checking all the wait times, expecting them to be too long. Most are, but Peter Pan’s Flight clocks in at a 0 minute wait time! There is literally no one in line! We sail through Neverland about 100 times.
We continue through Fantasyland, past Big Thunder Mountain, straight towards New Orleans Square. We jump into the Pirates of the Caribbean queue. The wait is short. I escape each drop completely dry, but Summer is drenched to the bone. I laugh and laugh.
Now is the time of the day when I must buy a Frozen Banana. Summer and I eat this treat in the least sexual way possible.
We walk back to Fantasyland and towards the Storybook Land Canal Boats. The wait is a little longer, but it gives me plenty of time to finish my banana.
Summer and I play Heads Up to pass the time. I start gesticulating wildly in my attempt to depict “Deep Sea Fishing” and accidentally hit the guest behind me in the face. I am mortified. I turn around to apologize and the guest removes her large hat and glasses to reveal she is in fact Tina Fey in disguise. She wanted to have a normal day at Disneyland and attempted to blend into the crowd. I might have blown her cover, but she is so impressed by my Heads Up skills that she asks me to star in her next movie. It’s an independent film about an adorably quirky high-schooler who brings peace and understanding to her socio-economically divided school through the power of needle-craft.
“Moi?” I say.
Of course! Something about you tells me you would be perfect for this role!”
Summer, Tina and I ride the canal boats together. I had my heart set on sitting in the front of the boat, but an 8-year old boy beat me to it. After throwing a temper tantrum and shouting some things about the “patriarchy” and the “wage gap,” the boys family elects to get on the next boat.
As I stare at the bright blue sky and the dark, not-so-blue water, I reflect on the magic of this park and the magic of my day. I go home and sleep the deepest sleep I ever have.
But not before Summer and I get one last Diet Coke.